my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
