I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
