I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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