guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
We are two peas in an std pod
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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