If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
