Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
