I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
