I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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