sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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