i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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