next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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