Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
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You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
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I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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