im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
