oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
