Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
