I'm jealous of your bromance
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
