I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
