I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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