idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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