So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
