So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
