we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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