I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
