ya dads aren't the best wingmen
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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