Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
