why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
