should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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