he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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