the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
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I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
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God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
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