i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
