you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
