i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
