Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
