i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
