I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
