I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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