I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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