I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
