I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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