Need sex. Gaining weight.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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