i think my mom watched the whole time
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
