did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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