Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
