Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
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