do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
