The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
