i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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