Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
