Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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