make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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