shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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